i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I will be naked everywhere
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
