I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
