I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
