I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
