shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
