I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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