Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
