Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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