First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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