i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
