You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We need to get me chipped asap
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
