Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
