so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I just went to clothing optional bar
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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