Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think my moral compass just broke
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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