good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
