Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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