my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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