saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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