If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
