you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
