I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
