Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
