I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize