There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
