dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
