I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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