i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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