My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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