It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
