sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
