If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
