After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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