Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He did a backflip because drugs
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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