I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
