I'm going to jail i love you
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
