The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
