i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
