Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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