I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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