I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
