I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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