I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize