I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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