I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
