what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
