Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
A bitchslap is in order.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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