I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
