are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
