I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
