There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
