2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
