I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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