Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
