So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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